Delphine had her first real daycare experience yesterday; I left her for an hour and a half in the morning, went back for a while and then left her for another hour and a half in the afternoon. Apparently in the morning she was pretty sad but in the afternoon she was okay. She cried when I can to pick her up, and she wanted to leave right away ("Okay, let's go!") but we hung out for a few minutes and she was soon back to playing while I watched.

I was pretty miserable without her, though; I hate the idea of leaving her all alone even though I know she's far from alone. She's learning how to be a person all by herself and how to be with people who aren't family, and by definition she has to do it by herself, but I still wish I could be there with her. It's paradoxical, like teaching her to sleep by herself; she has to be by herself to do it, but I want to be there.

I, on the other hand, am wondering what the hell I was thinking. I'll be making $15 an hour, of which I imagine I will be taking home about $10. That means I have to work for six hours to pay for daycare, leaving me $20 to take home. If, hypothetically (and obviously this won't happen) I take the subway for four bucks, have lunch for eight, and get a coffee for two, that will leave me with $6. Who the hell works a full day for three shiny toonies?

Add to that the fact that I still have to cram a grocery trip, seven loads of laundry, baking two loaves of bread, vacuuming and a trip to the library into the half-week I have left makes me wonder if this wasn't a very stupid idea. Not to mention how the hell do people cook a decent dinner when they get home so late?

But I can't back out now, too many people are counting on me. And I guess the idea behind this was to build up hours so I can get maternity benefits, not specifically to make money now. And I think daycare will be good for Delphine, between the physical activity and the crafts and the structured days, all things I am not so great with. I guess it will work out.