State Of The Nation

Part III: Me

Seems like even though this is my blog (well, half mine) I don't post about myself very much. I post about the kids, I post about what I read, I even post about my husband sometimes, but I don't post about what's going on with me. Lucky for you, but today your luck has run out: this post is all about me.

It's still January, and January is still kicking my ass. I've been so tired and so disinclined to do anything since the Christmas decorations came down. I haven't vacuumed, I haven't tidied; I am just barely getting through the absolute necessities. I read awhile ago that when you get depressed there's actually some kind of blockage in the system which takes messages from your brain to your muscles, so you lie there thinking, "I'm going to get up and pick up all that Lego" and... nothing happens. That's how I feel. Plus, as discussed earlier, it's so bloody cold.

Yesterday I had a little breakdown because there's crap all over the downstairs: dolls, stuffed animals, books, random miniature backpacks, board games, the usual detritus of small children. Since I have been more disinclined than usual to tidy up, this stuff has been accumulating in the corners and nooks like giant, brightly coloured dust bunnies, and it finally tipped me over the edge yesterday. Blake's solution was: "Get the girls to tidy up." Bwah hah hah, yes, I'll get right on that. I'm sure that will be much easier than doing it myself. Then he got mad at me for being sarcastic. So we had a big fight. Le sigh.

Unfortunately Cordelia is still too small to really understand how to tidy up, so if I want to continue to allow her to own and play with stuff, I need to pick up after her. Normally I'm okay with doing that, but see above re: January. Not only do I lack the energy to clean up but I'm more emotionally fragile than usual so the mess bugs me more. Double-whammy, POW, BIFF!

Whatever. Out of the dust a phoenix rises, or at least a good idea: we're going to get each girl a giant bucket (I like these) and every day before dinner everyone has to load their shit, er I mean their prized possessions into their bucket and take it upstairs. Once there, Delphine can do whatever she wants with her stuff and I will help Cordelia put hers away in her room. Result! Hopefully.

Anyway, so that was my large digression regarding the state of the house as it pertains to my state of mind, which is not great right now but I'm sure will improve as the days get longer and the snow melts.

Apart from the usual Mum stuff of cooking, cleaning, reading out loud, playing and taking people places, mainly I spend my time reading and watching TV. In addition to the books I read, I also get through most of the Saturday Globe and Mail, (excepting the Sports, Report on Business and Travel sections which I recycle first off). I also get New Scientist every week (well, it's supposed to be weekly; it seems to come in spurts), and Today's Parent every month. I used to get Canadian House and Home but I don't have the money to decorate or renovate so it just depressed me.

We cancelled cable a while ago and now we download all our TV, which is working really well. I'm pretty happy with the stuff we watch; life is short and there are lots of books to read, so I try and only watch shows I really like. I just dumped 90210 because it wasn't good enough to squander precious hours of my life on. That doesn't seem to set a really high bar, does it? This is what I do watch: The Daily Show, Chuck, Battlestar Galactica, Dirty Jobs, Mythbusters (mainly because Blake watches it), Doctor Who, and Torchwood. We also just started watching a show called Being Erica which looks like it's going to be pretty good.

Extra-curricular activities are limited by time and the goodwill of the various people willing to look after my children so I can leave the house. I have choir practice once a week from September to May. Every month or two my book club meets for dinner on Friday night in a restaurant. (Ooh! A restaurant! Shiny!) Every month I go to the school Parents Association so I can stay in the loop with all the juicy school gossip. That's about it, I think. Housebound much?

So here's an interesting thing. (Interesting if you're me.) When I graduated from high school I was the most boring, unmotivated, uninterested, extrinsically motivated person imaginable. I didn't know what I was interested in because I wasn't interested in anything -- the only thing that motivated me was pleasing other people, and other people don't have the first clue what's right for me -- so off I went to university and did Math for some very bad reasons, none of which had anything to do with genuine interest. But I forged through. (And now that I think about it was pretty damn good to get a degree in Math from a such a hard school when I wasn't the slightest bit interested in it.) Anyway, so I got the degree and I worked in computers and every day was horrible because I just didn't care.

The last five years, since I haven't been working and since I have been reading, have been like an Independent Study. I've been free to read whatever I want and explore my own interests. If I don't want to read something, I don't have to. If I do want to, I can, and then if that book leads me to one or two or three other books I can read them, too. (Funny thing: in all that time I don't think I've read a single book about math.)

So oddly enough, being a stay-at-home mom has been a very rich time for me, intellectually. I've exposed myself to lots of ideas, lots of novels, lots and lots of facts. And the more I read and the smarter I get, the more I know that I must change careers and that I need to spend some time and effort figuring out what's right for me. Fortunately I have read plenty of books about finding happiness and satisfaction in life, so I can use them for guidance. But more on that later. That's a whole 'nother set of posts and I still have lots and lots of thinking to do. (For some reason I have time to read but not time to think.) Stay tuned.

Now it's time for bed - tomorrow is Thursday, and it's going to be warm so we might go play outside. Apparently Delphine told Blake she didn't want Mummy to be crabby any more, so he wants me to figure out what I need to feel better. I thought about it a little bit and I think I need some time to myself, to get away from everyone's needs. I don't get a lot of that, and usually I can deal but, well, January. So I'm going to take some Me Time tomorrow afternoon and go window shopping on Bayview while Delphine is at school. Delphine has French after school, then home for supper and then I might go downtown and see if I can get a good deal on a winter coat. Dunno -- maybe I shouldn't blow all my Me time on one day. Or maybe I should!