Massive Attack

I visited my friend Ellen the other day. Ellen lives in the 'burbs, so you have to go all the way to the end of the subway line, and then take a bus to get to her place. So when I go, I put Del in the BabyTrekker and she dangles there, making googly eyes at all the other riders.

Ellen was surprised when I arrived with Del in the 'Trekker; she's having trouble hauling Dexter around in the Bjorn because he's so heavy. I bragged that Delphine is 22 lbs, and that I can carry her because I am so tough! I am He-Woman!

But the next morning I did the math, and I realized that while Delphine has gained 12 lbs since she was born, I have lost 22, so between us we mass 10 lbs less than we used to. I'm actually 10 lbs-worth weaker than I used to be.

I made a mistake: I weighed myself last Friday at Morgan's place - 207 lbs; and then again at Ellen's on Thursday: 210 lbs. I knew as I was weighing myself the second time that I shouldn't, that it would be meaningless whether the number went up or down, but I did it anyway. And sure enough, I was disappointed when the number was higher, even though the difference in scales, in time of day, the small amount of time between the two weighings, all conspire to make the difference all but meaningless. And yet still I was disappointed.

And it goes against the whole point of this Calorie-Control Initiative, which was to control calories, not lose weight. Somehow I let myself start to enjoy the weight loss, to wist for numbers (195! 185! Lower!) or dress sizes (16? 14? 12?!) that I can't control instead of focusing on the one I can control, the number of calories I eat. And that's a recipe for grief.

I've decided I'm not going to cut down any more (I'm at 2100 cpd) until I've talked to my doctor. For one thing, the USDA is pretty vague about where in the 1600 to 2200 range a not sedentary but not athletic type like me fits, and for another I'm still nursing so I need more calories than I otherwise would. My final concern is that when I get pregnant again I'll need to modify my intake up, and I worry that I'll gain huge amounts of weight if my metabolism is all fucked up from going down too low and then back up again. So I'll talk to my doctor and get her opinion before I go any lower. I have an appointment for a physical in early March.


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