Insomnia and Melancholy

I'm feeling rather melancholy and insomniacal. I think the insomnia is because of the iced coffee and chocolate I had tonight. I bought some of that Iced Java coffee syrup stuff and it has a crazy effect on me, maybe because I've avoided caffeinated coffee for so long. I think I should not have any more of it.

I'm probably melancholy because I am tired and should be sleeping, but it's manifesting because the owner of my favourite Internet community is predicting the imminent demise of her board. I'm kind of gutted about it -- I've been part of this community since 2001 and they have done a lot for me. Lots of great advice, and a baffling deluge of actual 3D gifts for Delphine when she was born, and generally good company through lots of long hours of idleness at work. I will miss them so much.

I suppose there are other boards with memberships which intersect with the membership of this board, but I have checked them out and they just aren't the same. Obviously, I guess; if they were the same they probably wouldn't exist. And I suppose after the board shuts down I will be sad for a while and then life will go on. (After all, I walked away from akt and #ana and survived, and even hung on to a really good friend from that community.) But I will really miss the owner -- I don't know how much of an Internet presence she is going to maintain after the board goes down. Hopefully she will at least keep her journal, which has always been one of the best on the net.

One of the reasons the board is dying is because of non-participation, and I am certainly part of that problem. Once Delphine was born and I stopped working I practically stopped posting at all. That has made me realize that the way I spend my time is completely non-congruent with what I would say my personal priorities are, if you asked me. Something like this:

Priorities: Blake and Delphine, household, reading books, reading newspapers and magazines, friends and online friends, health, television and pop culture.

Time Expenditure: Blake and Delphine, household, television, whatever else I can squeeze in when I'm not watching television.

It's ridiculous; I haven't read more than a couple of books for months, and yet we sit and watch TV for two or three hours every night. There's maybe four or five hours of stuff per week that I am really interested in watching, but we end up watching filler like "Holmes on Homes" or "Top 10 Technological Disasters of the 20th Century" just because we have to have the TV on and that's all there is. It's a sickness and it's really starting to piss me off. There are so many books out there I could be reading. I could be ten times smarter than I am.

Not to mention all the other stuff I should be doing but "don't have time" for. I have about five paper letters waiting to be responded to, from valuable and interesting friends who happen to live far away from me. I have a lovely brother who is constantly waiting on email from me with news about his niece. I have a stack of decorating magazines to go through to tear out ideas for my decorating file. I have political representatives who really should be informed of my opinions on such pressing matters as AIDS in Africa and the impending flu epidemic. And back to the original topic at hand, I can't very well cry and moan about my favourite online community dying when I haven't posted more than a dozen times in the last month. Are they supposed to keep it alive for my benefit, so all my buddies will still be there when I decide to show my face again?

Anyway, it's well past midnight and I am so going to regret staying up late tomorrow, but I couldn't sleep and posting this is better than tossing and turning and bothering Blake. Hopefully now I have got it off my chest I will be able to relax and sleep better.

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