Blog-o! Notes from

Wed, 14 Jul 2004

It seems like every time I turn around I am reminded of how incompetent I am. The kitchen full of dirty dishes reminds me I am an incompetent housewife. The broken dishwasher reminds me I am an incompetent earner. The baby who won't sleep in her own crib reminds me I am an incompetent mother. The neglected emails remind me I am an incompetent friend.

Everything seems so hard, so uphill, like wading through molasses. The hardest thing in the world really is living in it. I keep waiting for it to become easier, to become like other people's lives seem to be, so effortless and effective, and it never does. A nice condo doesn't do it, losing weight doesn't do it, even having money, if I recall correctly, didn't do it. I think life is just difficult. But I also remind myself that it will be easier in a couple of years, when Delphine has some physical autonomy and doesn't need my attention all the time. After that, by comparison, everything really will be easy! I hope.

In the meantime, if anyone out there is granting wishes, I would like to find a nice daycare that will take good care of my baby two days a week. I would like a job which pays me enough to pay for the daycare, with some left over. I would like a dishwasher that works. I would like someone to vacuum and clean my bathrooms. I would like Delphine to sleep in her own crib, fall asleep at eight every night and wake up at seven the next morning. I would like some clothes that fit and a couple of pairs of cute shoes.

I think that's all. Thanks!

[Posted at 22:24 by Amy Brown] link
Sat, 03 Jul 2004
Saturday Morning

It's far too early on Saturday morning. Delphine woke up around 5:30 all fidgety and cry-y. I nursed her back to sleep but then I had to get up to pee, and by the time I was done my brain had woken up too much to attempt going back to sleep.

All for the best, really, as I have a bunch of things to do this morning. Sascha and Leontine are coming up this morning on the fast ferry from Rochester, and before they get here I'd like to have the guest bedroom all set up, so they feel welcome. I hate to go to someone's place and have them all rushing around to make up a bed for me, it makes me feel like I'm imposing.

We also need to clean up the guest bathroom. Yesterday the bathtub faucet started leaking, only it was more a stream than a drip, so Blake got all manly and pulled it all apart and fixed it with parts scavenged from a faucet cartridge found in the security desk downstairs. By the time he'd got it fixed it was late and time for dinner, so he didn't finish putting the faucet back together yet; it's all spread around the bathroom.

Finally, I have to put together a care package for Delphine because she's going away! Okay, only from nine this morning until around three this afternoon, to go visit some friends of my in-laws' while Blake and I and Sascha and Leontine go for dim sum and Spider-man 2. But that's almost all day! I have to pack diapers, and wipes, and a spare outfit, and a sweater, and sun block and a hat, and some food and a sippy cup, and maybe twenty bucks in case she needs to get a cab home.

I also worry that when Sascha and Leontine see that Delphine isn't with us they'll get right back on the ferry and go home.

[Posted at 06:28 by Amy Brown] link
Thu, 01 Jul 2004
It's a Blog... hard can it be to update once in a while? I don't know why I don't just do little updates often instead of trying to write huge big updates less frequently. I guess because what I want to write about doesn't want to come out in small chunks.

Here's a piecemeal breakdown of what's going on, to get caught up:


Delphine is fourteen months old. In addition to two incisors on the top and four on the bottom, she has one molar, on the bottom, which has come in entirely out of sequence. It's rather charming, and allows her to chow down on all manner of things. She eats everything except peanuts, but she especially likes strawberries and tomatoes. Yesterday she learned how straws work, which will make sharing drinks with her easier, when we're out.

She took her first unsupported step today. She's been pushing her little pushy thing around for months now, but is still reluctant to walk without it. By the time she takes the plunge she will be pretty secure on her feet, though.

She loves to climb stairs, and when we go to the park she will often forgo the boring old slide in favour of just climbing up and down the stairs.

She babbles in her own little language. She makes declarative statements of varying length, often waving her hands or thumping the table for emphasis. I frequently feel like I am the idiot for not understanding her.

I'm trying to wean her a little more. We went a couple of days last week without nursing during the day, just at night. She doesn't really mind as long as I keep her distracted by other things. I'm also trying to teach her to go to sleep without nursing, with an eye to eventually being able to put her down (!) in a crib (!!) and have her sleep through a full nap or overnight. One day that will happen, right? Ergh.


I've been looking at daycares with a mind to going to work part time, two or three days a week. So far I've seen the city-run daycare in the local school (institutional) and a private daycare (slick, expensive). I suspect we will end up going with the city daycare because they will let me and a friend buy a full-time spot and split it. But we'll look at some more options first.

I will probably work for my father-in-law at least for a while. If that doesn't pan out I have four other options I would like to explore:

  1. Construction: I am interested in working in construction, so I'd look for an entry-level position in the field.
  2. Temp Work: easy but I don't know how well it would work in terms of reliable part-time hours.
  3. Work with the city: I love Toronto and I'd love to be a part of the running of it, so I'd look for something at City Hall. Yes! I want to be a bureaucrat.
  4. Back at ANGOSS: I bet they would give me part time work if I wanted it.

It's comforting to have so many avenues to investigate.


I'm doing a little better cracking 2K calories. In fact, Fitday says my two-week average is 1920. Not really where I want it to be, but not terrible. I'm thinking starting next week I'll cut my upper limit down to 1800 calories and really start working on that. (Right now I'm just eating whatever and entering it into Fitday, but not using Fitday to decide what I should eat.)

I weighed myself at my friend's house the other day and it claimed I was 197 lbs, which is 7 more than I used to be. I'm going to go with her scale is busted. Ironically, I had been feeling really slim and I only weighed myself because I thought it would come up low and I could feel all smug. Hah!


Life is pretty good. We're a little short of money, in that we seem to eat away at our ING savings account every month -- we're running a deficit. If we only spent the money that we budget for each month we'd be alright, but we don't budget for broken vacuum cleaners and trips to Las Vegas. The dishwasher is also broken, and I don't know if we're going to replace it or what (everyone thinks it's pretty much beyond repair, and also it's ten years old). I also should visit my parents some time.

Other than the money thing I'm happy. We have some friends who just moved a few blocks away, and they have a little girl Delphine's ago, so I've been hanging out with them a lot which is good. I'm happier and happier with Delphine; she's so much more interesting as an almost-toddler than she was as a baby, so much so that I'm kind of dreading having another baby -- it takes a year before they get to this fun stage! Good thing they're so cute.

I'm excited about going back to work, and I've just decided this minute that when I'm working I will pay someone else to clean the house. There's no way I'm going to be away from Delphine for twenty hours a week and waste time vacuuming on top of that. I'd rather buy time with my baby than new clothes. Well. I'd really like to buy both, if I can manage it.

I think that's pretty much the big update. See you in another two months!

[Posted at 22:28 by Amy Brown] link